The Gottman Method: Understanding “Bids for Connection” and How They Can Strengthen Your Relationship

Authored by La Jolla Vitality Co.

Healthy relationships are built through more than major romantic gestures, vacations, anniversaries, and declarations of love.

Often, the strongest relationships are built through something much smaller: the everyday moments when one person reaches out to the other and says, in one way or another, “Will you connect with me?”

Relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe these small attempts to connect as bids for connection. Understanding bids, and learning how to recognize and respond to them, can be a powerful way to strengthen emotional intimacy.

What Is a Bid for Connection?

A bid for connection is any attempt to get another person's attention, affection, interest, support, or engagement.

A bid can be obvious:

“Can we talk? I'm having a bad day.”

Or it can be incredibly subtle:

“Wow, look at that sunset.”

At first glance, the second statement may seem meaningless. But underneath it may be a simple request:

“Look at this with me.”

“Share this moment with me.”

“Pay attention to what I'm experiencing.”

When you recognize bids for what they are, everyday interactions can take on a deeper meaning.

Bids Can Take Many Forms

Not everyone asks directly for connection.

A bid might sound like:

• “Can I show you something?”

• “Guess what happened today?”

• “I'm so tired.”

• “Look at this funny video.”

• “Do you want to go for a walk?”

• “Do you remember when we...?”

• “I had a terrible meeting.”

• “I can't believe what happened.”

• “What do you think about this?”

• “Come sit with me.”

• “Do you want to watch a movie?”

A bid can also be nonverbal.

It might be:

• Reaching for your hand

• Sitting closer to you

• Making eye contact

• Giving you a hug

• Sending you a meme

• Touching your shoulder

• Smiling at you from across the room

The important thing isn't the size of the bid. It's the underlying attempt to connect.

The Three Ways We Respond to a Bid

According to the Gottman framework, there are generally three ways people respond when their partner makes a bid for connection:

1. Turning Toward

Turning toward means acknowledging and engaging with your partner's attempt to connect.

For example:

Partner: “Look at that bird outside!”

Turning toward: “Wow, that's beautiful. What kind of bird is it?”

You don't have to give a lengthy response. You simply demonstrate interest.

Turning toward can be as simple as:

• Looking up from your phone

• Asking a follow-up question

• Laughing at the joke

• Giving a hug

• Saying, “Tell me more.”

• Putting your hand on your partner's arm

• Acknowledging what they shared

These small responses communicate:

“I see you.”

“I'm interested in you.”

“You matter to me.”

2. Turning Away

Turning away happens when a bid is ignored or missed.

Partner: “Look at that bird outside!”

Turning away: Continuing to scroll on your phone without responding.

Turning away doesn't always mean someone doesn't care. People are tired, distracted, stressed, or simply don't realize their partner was making a bid.

But when one person's attempts to connect are consistently ignored, they may eventually stop reaching out.

3. Turning Against

Turning against means responding negatively or dismissively.

Partner: “Look at that bird outside!”

Turning against: “Why are you bothering me? I'm trying to work.”

Or:

Partner: “I had a terrible day.”

Turning against: “You think your day was bad? Listen to what happened to me.”

Repeatedly turning against bids can make a relationship feel emotionally unsafe. Over time, one or both partners may stop attempting to connect.

Why Small Moments Matter So Much

Couples often focus on big relationship questions:

• Do we love each other?

• Are we compatible?

• Should we get married?

• Do we want children?

• Where will we live?

Those questions matter.

But relationships are also built in thousands of small interactions.

Every time someone says:

“Look at this.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“I had a hard day.”

“Come sit with me.”

There is an opportunity for connection.

You don't need to respond perfectly every time. No one can.

But the overall pattern matters.

Does your partner generally feel like you are interested in their inner world?

And do you generally feel like they are interested in yours?

Why Couples Miss Each Other's Bids

One of the most important things to understand about bids is that they are easy to miss.

People may be:

• Distracted by work

• Focused on their phones

• Exhausted

• Stressed

• Caring for children

• Thinking about something else

• Used to communicating indirectly

• Assuming the interaction is unimportant

This is why awareness can make such a difference.

When you begin thinking, “Is my partner trying to connect with me right now?”, you may start noticing opportunities you previously overlooked.

Bids Are Not Always Positive

Sometimes people make bids for connection through complaints or negativity.

For example:

“You never pay attention to me anymore.”

Underneath that criticism may be a need for connection.

The person may actually be trying to say:

“I miss you.”

“I want more time with you.”

“I don't feel important right now.”

That doesn't mean hurtful communication should be ignored or accepted. But understanding the need beneath the message can help couples respond more constructively.

Instead of immediately defending yourself, you might ask:

“Are you feeling disconnected from me?”

That question can completely change the direction of a conversation.

How to Get Better at Turning Toward Your Partner

1. Put Down Your Phone Occasionally

You don't need to give your partner your attention every second of the day.

But when they are trying to tell you something important—or simply trying to share a moment—look up.

Make eye contact.

Show that you are present.

Even a few seconds of genuine attention can make someone feel seen.

2. Ask Follow-Up Questions

When your partner tells you something, show curiosity.

Instead of:

“That's nice.”

Try:

“Really? What happened next?”

Instead of:

“That sounds stressful.”

Try:

“What was the hardest part?”

Curiosity is one of the simplest ways to build emotional intimacy.

3. Notice Your Partner's Communication Style

Some people are direct.

Others are subtle.

One partner may say:

“I need a hug.”

Another may sit quietly beside you.

Learning how your partner makes bids can help you respond more effectively.

4. Create Small Rituals of Connection

Connection doesn't have to happen spontaneously.

Couples can intentionally create opportunities for bids.

Consider:

• Talking for 10 minutes after work without phones

• Taking a walk together

• Having coffee together in the morning

• Sending a thoughtful message during the day

• Eating one meal together

• Sharing something interesting you learned

• Going to bed at the same time when possible

Small rituals can create a reliable foundation for emotional connection.

5. Make Your Own Bids Clearer

If you often feel ignored, consider whether your bids are indirect.

Instead of:

“You never want to spend time with me.”

Try:

“I'd really love to spend an hour together tonight without our phones.”

Clear communication gives your partner a better opportunity to respond.

What If Your Partner Misses Your Bid?

Try not to assume that every missed bid means rejection.

Your partner may not have noticed.

Instead of silently feeling hurt, you can try again more directly:

“Hey, I wanted to show you something. Can I have your attention for a minute?”

This gives your partner a clear opportunity to turn toward you.

Of course, if you repeatedly communicate your needs and your partner consistently ignores, dismisses, or criticizes you, that pattern deserves a deeper conversation.

Bids and Emotional Intimacy

One of the most powerful things about the concept of bids is that it reminds us that intimacy isn't built only during dramatic moments.

It is built when you say:

“How was your meeting?”

And your partner actually listens to the answer.

It is built when someone sends a funny video and the other person responds.

It is built when you notice your partner seems stressed and ask:

“Are you okay?”

It is built through attention.

And attention communicates care.

The Bottom Line

The Gottman concept of bids for connection offers a simple but powerful reminder: relationships are built one small interaction at a time.

You don't need to plan an elaborate date every weekend or say the perfect thing during every conversation.

Sometimes strengthening your relationship is as simple as:

Looking up.

Listening.

Laughing.

Asking one more question.

Reaching for your partner's hand.

Putting down your phone.

Saying:

“Tell me more.”

The healthiest relationships aren't necessarily the ones where two people never miss each other's bids.

They're the ones where both people make a genuine effort to notice each other—and keep turning toward one another, again and again.

Connection is rarely built in one grand moment. More often, it is built in the hundreds of small moments when two people choose to say, “I'm here.”